In this barren place ... you broke me and I was born again

I can't sleep. Too much is going on in my mind. At least I don't have to worry about my cellmate trying to touch me up anymore, since he’s been sent to solitary. I’m lucky I didn’t get my ass sent there myself for stabbing the bastard.

My fingers don’t hurt quite so much now, and the thick bandages have been replaced with thinner ones. It’s funny, we don’t realise how much we use our hands, and we take their use for granted until we can’t use them anymore. A bit like my relationship with Sword. I never realised just how much I relied on him until it was too late.

It’s not just the protection I miss, I can look after myself pretty well when I need to, but I miss just being near him, having his company, someone to talk to. It’s strange, we come from completely different backgrounds, have completely different lifestyles and tastes, yet I loved talking to him.

I thought I knew what pain was. But this emptiness inside of me is far worse than any physical pain I’ve ever felt. I feel like there is a big gaping hole where my heart should be – stupid I know, especially since the heart is just an organ for pumping blood, and not some special place where love and rainbows and puppies are stored.

I told myself I wasn’t gay. I told everyone else I wasn’t gay. But now, I wonder… Am I? My feelings for Sword are far more than simple friendship, deeper than lust. Is it love? I think it might be. No, I’m certain it is. Unrequited love at that.

I miss him so much. His touch, his scent, the way his eyes could see straight through me, knowing what I was thinking, the sex, his voice, everything. And what hurts more is the fact I know it’s my own fault for being an idiot that I’ve lost him. Seeing him with his new bitch makes me burn with jealousy, it hurts, like someone stabbing me in the chest. I hate the fact I could be replaced so easily. It hurts knowing I was just simply a bitch all along and that he never really cared for me.

It boils down to the simple fact that I have fallen in love with Swordfish and he has fallen out of lust with me, and there is nothing I can do to change that fact.

Hey Norman, how do you feel about working together again? Like old times!

Back to the land of the living. The Punishment Cell (the Hole) is not a place I want to visit again any time soon. But I guess it's my own fault for punching the Warden in the first place.

Boredom is the one thing in this place that kills more than any... How long until it does us all in?

Norman, if you have any free time, could you cut my hair and possibly add a few highlights? I'll pay of course.

( Reply to Sword )

I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't breathe. I feel like all my emotions and feelings are bubbling out of me, being drained from me, leaving me numb and empty. I don't want to eat. I don't want to move. I have no energy to fight this feeling.

( Sen's reply to Sword's letter )

Maybe I'm fighting a losing battle? Maybe I should walk away and give up? I'm certainly weaker than I was - I used to be able to stand up to him, to give back as good as I got, but now... I feel I let him walk all over me.

I love him. There is no doubting that. I love him more than life itself. But I fear my love for him is killing me. Slowly but surely, destroying me from within. It is hard to picture a life without him by my side, but is it for the best? In the long run would I save us both from heartache?

Maybe I am selfish to want him to myself. Maybe that isn't what love is. Maybe I am heartless to want an exclusive relationship. If we were on the surface, would things be the same? Would he ask me to accept it under the sun? Maybe I'm a hypocrite, for wanting the same thing myself, but in the end I made the choice, so why can't he?

I don't have the answers, all I know is the way things are going I shall break before much longer. I don't have the strength to keep fighting for something that will never be mine.

Why aren't I good enough for him? Why?

The last few days have been pretty difficult for me. I'm feeling drained physically and mentally, I just want to get away from it. That's what I hate about this place - I mean on the surface if a person felt like that then they'd get away and take some time to themselves right? But here, there is just no where private. I'm most thankful to Kain and all the support and advice he's given me, and just letting me sit in his room, it's the closest thing to privacy here.

( For Ky's Eyes )

I'M BACK!!

I survived the hellhole pit of doom. Well... you know, it was only a day and a half but...

First thing to do is shower, I feel so filthy.

Then I have some serious business to take care of, and people to see.

( Sword )

( Norman )

I want to hate you so much, but the more I try, the more I find myself falling deeper in love with you.

I want to let go, after all, you've already moved on, but it's so hard for me to let go of what we had.

SWORDFISH!

You. Me. The Gym.

Recreational period, TODAY! We settle this! No weapons, no back up.

Ky? ... It was me. I set Sword up.

I can't believe this!! I have to spend God knows how long in that filthy pit just because Sword is too stubborn and selfish to tell the truth! His story doesn't even make sense! I'm the one who cheated and hurt him, so why would I want to set Sword up?! That's stupid!

Norman? I could be in there a long time... Don't get yourself in trouble, okay?

Seems like my men have been causing trouble. I have a good idea who it might have been... But when I find out for sure there will be Hell to pay!! Other than that, being Shut-call seems to have been going quite well so far.

( Sword )

( Norman )

Kain, may I make an appointment to see you?

Heeeey Norman! Guess What!? You got yourself a cellmate, I'll bring my stuff over after breakfast!

Back to the land of the living... or out of the Infirmary at least. This rathole isn't exactly living is it? Surviving, perhaps.

Sword's still sick. I don't like it, not one bit... It's not like Sword to be sick at all. I just wish he'd take his stubborn ass to the Infimary and get himself looked at before he gets worse.

Dave? Next time you go out, do you think you could smuggle in some cough medicine? I'll pay like triple the price it costs you! Oh, and um... some oranges too? Please?