In this barren place ... you broke me and I was born again

[000001]

2008-08-03T06:34:35Z

I can't sleep. Too much is going on in my mind. At least I don't have to worry about my cellmate trying to touch me up anymore, since he’s been sent to solitary. I’m lucky I didn’t get my ass sent there myself for stabbing the bastard.

My fingers don’t hurt quite so much now, and the thick bandages have been replaced with thinner ones. It’s funny, we don’t realise how much we use our hands, and we take their use for granted until we can’t use them anymore. A bit like my relationship with Sword. I never realised just how much I relied on him until it was too late.

It’s not just the protection I miss, I can look after myself pretty well when I need to, but I miss just being near him, having his company, someone to talk to. It’s strange, we come from completely different backgrounds, have completely different lifestyles and tastes, yet I loved talking to him.

I thought I knew what pain was. But this emptiness inside of me is far worse than any physical pain I’ve ever felt. I feel like there is a big gaping hole where my heart should be – stupid I know, especially since the heart is just an organ for pumping blood, and not some special place where love and rainbows and puppies are stored.

I told myself I wasn’t gay. I told everyone else I wasn’t gay. But now, I wonder… Am I? My feelings for Sword are far more than simple friendship, deeper than lust. Is it love? I think it might be. No, I’m certain it is. Unrequited love at that.

I miss him so much. His touch, his scent, the way his eyes could see straight through me, knowing what I was thinking, the sex, his voice, everything. And what hurts more is the fact I know it’s my own fault for being an idiot that I’ve lost him. Seeing him with his new bitch makes me burn with jealousy, it hurts, like someone stabbing me in the chest. I hate the fact I could be replaced so easily. It hurts knowing I was just simply a bitch all along and that he never really cared for me.

It boils down to the simple fact that I have fallen in love with Swordfish and he has fallen out of lust with me, and there is nothing I can do to change that fact.

dive_in_deep @ 2007-08-31T12:48:00

2007-08-31T11:49:03Z

Hey Norman, how do you feel about working together again? Like old times!

dive_in_deep @ 2007-08-02T17:18:00

2007-08-02T17:38:33Z

Back to the land of the living. The Punishment Cell (the Hole) is not a place I want to visit again any time soon. But I guess it's my own fault for punching the Warden in the first place.

dive_in_deep @ 2007-07-18T08:39:00

2007-07-18T07:41:28Z

Boredom is the one thing in this place that kills more than any... How long until it does us all in?

dive_in_deep @ 2007-06-27T08:42:00

2007-06-27T07:43:39Z

Norman, if you have any free time, could you cut my hair and possibly add a few highlights? I'll pay of course.

dive_in_deep @ 2007-06-25T08:50:00

2007-06-25T07:51:03Z

Sword,

For the longest time I sat here unsure whether to respond to your letter or simply leave things the way they were. There's so much I want to say, yet sometimes wonder if it is best left unsaid... There are things I'd prefer to say to your face, but who knows if I'll ever see you again, and if I did, I doubt I'd have the guts to tell you how I was feeling... That's always been one of my problems, being able to tell you outright what I'm feeling, fear of upsetting you, so instead bottling it up until it would explode into a huge arguement.

Your last letter hurt me, it hurt me a lot. I've tried to move on, but everytime I try, I find myself thinking of all the good times we had - we did have some damn good times! I want to be able to say that I hate you and that I never want to see you again, but I can't, and even if I did say it, it would be a lie.

I feel sorry for whoever has to read this to you - but maybe just maybe - by the time this reaches you your new eyes will be working just fine. I hope it goes well, then you'll be able to see the sun instead of just feel it.

Part of me is afraid this is all a big joke designed to hurt me, the other part of me wants to cling to whatever hope it can. So for now, I'll take those words as truth - it may come back to haunt me, but for now they offer some comfort in an otherwise empty existence. I miss you so much. I've felt so numb since you left, nothing has given me comfort or joy. The rapes and beatings I encountered - they meant nothing because I couldn't feel anymore empty and broken than I already did.

You say it's not my fault, but I know it is. But please, try to understand I did what I did with your best interest in mind. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle being the second lover. I knew sharing you would drive me insane. I'm a jealous person, it's in my nature. It would have been okay for awhile, but over time I would have been eaten away inside always wondering why I wasn't good enough or if you were with him everytime you weren't with me, if his sex was hotter than mine. I knew eventually we'd come to hate each other, that's why I walked away while the love was still alive. I never realised you would react the way you did. I just... I wanted you to be happy, even if that meant being with Ky instead of me. It wasn't an easy choice by any means, but I honestly thought it was the best option.

The cell is so empty without you, the bed feels too big. I miss cuddling up to you. I miss waking up in your arms. I miss joking with you. I miss kissing you. I miss everything about you - even your cocky attitude.

Be happy, Sword. Wherever you go in life and whatever you do. This place has lost it's magic - it's simply the Underground Hotel to me now. I'm thinking of being transfered to a Japanese prison, there's nothing here for me now. I'll never stop loving you, nothing will change that. You gave me so much happiness - you gave me hope in a dark time. My eternal sun. Find your own sun, and when you find happiness hold onto it with both hands and never let go.

Always and ever,

Sen ♥

[016]

2007-06-23T01:05:24Z

I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't breathe. I feel like all my emotions and feelings are bubbling out of me, being drained from me, leaving me numb and empty. I don't want to eat. I don't want to move. I have no energy to fight this feeling.

dive_in_deep @ 2007-06-21T00:01:00

2007-06-20T23:02:05Z

Dearest Sword...

... Where to begin? First of all... I'm glad you're settling in, I was worried that you wouldn't fit in, but you've always been able to take charge of any situation, so really I shouldn't worry, ne?

UGH isn't the same without you. I'm not really sure who is acting as Shut Call... I haven't really been out of my cell much. It's really empty in here without all your stuff around. Have you sunbathed yet? How did the sun feel?

I want you to know how sorry I am for everything. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but I need to write it anyway. I've made a lot of mistakes lately, a lot of bad decisions. I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much, before I met you I didn't really know what love was, maybe I still don't fully. But I know that I love you and you are my sun, my reason for fighting. I thought breaking up was the best choice for us both, so I wouldn't be the jealous lover and you could be with Ky, I never realised you'd be as hurt as you were. I know I've destroyed whatever we had, and I'll always have to live with that knowledge, but I want you to know that I'll never stop loving you. I wish there was something I could do to take back what happened, but I know there is nothing.

Stay out of trouble, okay? No taking drugs, or causing too many fights. I hope you find happiness, Sword. You deserve it. I'm sorry for everything, and thank you for all you've done for me.

Always Sen.

[015]

2007-06-06T08:57:41Z

Maybe I'm fighting a losing battle? Maybe I should walk away and give up? I'm certainly weaker than I was - I used to be able to stand up to him, to give back as good as I got, but now... I feel I let him walk all over me.

I love him. There is no doubting that. I love him more than life itself. But I fear my love for him is killing me. Slowly but surely, destroying me from within. It is hard to picture a life without him by my side, but is it for the best? In the long run would I save us both from heartache?

Maybe I am selfish to want him to myself. Maybe that isn't what love is. Maybe I am heartless to want an exclusive relationship. If we were on the surface, would things be the same? Would he ask me to accept it under the sun? Maybe I'm a hypocrite, for wanting the same thing myself, but in the end I made the choice, so why can't he?

I don't have the answers, all I know is the way things are going I shall break before much longer. I don't have the strength to keep fighting for something that will never be mine.

Why aren't I good enough for him? Why?

[014]

2007-06-04T09:52:16Z

The last few days have been pretty difficult for me. I'm feeling drained physically and mentally, I just want to get away from it. That's what I hate about this place - I mean on the surface if a person felt like that then they'd get away and take some time to themselves right? But here, there is just no where private. I'm most thankful to Kain and all the support and advice he's given me, and just letting me sit in his room, it's the closest thing to privacy here.

Sword has lost his sight, they don't know whether it's temporary or not... I'll keep you informed though. He's also suffering problems with his short term memory... He's looking forward to your return.

[013]

2007-05-24T14:59:35Z

I'M BACK!!

I survived the hellhole pit of doom. Well... you know, it was only a day and a half but...

First thing to do is shower, I feel so filthy.

Then I have some serious business to take care of, and people to see.

... I know we have alot of work to do to repair what we had... But I think we can do it. I LOVE you so damn much, and I think perhaps we needed this, to remind us just who we want in life. This time, it'll be just you and me, no one in our way. I know we can do this!

They wouldn't let read your novel in Solitary, but I've been reading it since I got out and while I was packing my stuff. You're so talented! I really love it!!

[012]

2007-05-21T08:45:23Z

I want to hate you so much, but the more I try, the more I find myself falling deeper in love with you.

I want to let go, after all, you've already moved on, but it's so hard for me to let go of what we had.

[011]

2007-05-20T12:03:42Z

SWORDFISH!

You. Me. The Gym.

Recreational period, TODAY! We settle this! No weapons, no back up.

[010]

2007-05-19T23:28:24Z

Ky? ... It was me. I set Sword up.

[009]

2007-05-19T16:02:25Z

I can't believe this!! I have to spend God knows how long in that filthy pit just because Sword is too stubborn and selfish to tell the truth! His story doesn't even make sense! I'm the one who cheated and hurt him, so why would I want to set Sword up?! That's stupid!

Norman? I could be in there a long time... Don't get yourself in trouble, okay?

[008]

2007-05-09T23:31:07Z

Seems like my men have been causing trouble. I have a good idea who it might have been... But when I find out for sure there will be Hell to pay!! Other than that, being Shut-call seems to have been going quite well so far.

I can't believe you got your ass sent to the Villa!! How the Hell are you supposed to give me advice when you're not allowed visitors?! GRR! You make me so mad sometimes. But I can't help but love you!

Norman? I need to speak with you. It's really important. I'm just worried you'll hate me afterwards...

[007]

2007-05-01T09:30:28Z

Kain, may I make an appointment to see you?

[006]

2007-04-27T06:09:46Z

Heeeey Norman! Guess What!? You got yourself a cellmate, I'll bring my stuff over after breakfast!

[005]

2007-04-26T00:41:36Z

Back to the land of the living... or out of the Infirmary at least. This rathole isn't exactly living is it? Surviving, perhaps.

[004]

2007-04-21T00:13:15Z

Sword's still sick. I don't like it, not one bit... It's not like Sword to be sick at all. I just wish he'd take his stubborn ass to the Infimary and get himself looked at before he gets worse.

Dave? Next time you go out, do you think you could smuggle in some cough medicine? I'll pay like triple the price it costs you! Oh, and um... some oranges too? Please?

[003]

2007-04-19T19:50:08Z

The last few days have been so crazy! I really don't know where my head is, nor my heart for that matter.

This place drives you insane. No matter where you go, you can never truly find privacy to think things through. I guess that's the price we pay for our crimes.

~~dammit... I think I like Norman...~~

Norman, thanks for being there for me when I needed a shoulder. It feels good to know there's someone I can rely on in this place - even though I should know by now it's every man for himself.

Sword, you're a bastard, a total, total bastard, but I can't stay away from you. Get better, okay?

[002]

2007-04-17T11:50:20Z

I'm an idiot...

I can't believe I did something so stupid! A moment of weakness has all but destroyed me.

No longer will I be called the Shutcall's Bitch! No longer will I be a slave to the UGH! It ends! It ends today.

[001]

2007-04-11T22:47:10Z

So it's an actual fact that the wall and ceiling above my bunk have aproximately three broken tiles, six vomit stains and countless semen stains - most of which I doubt I'm responsible for.

I've also discovered the best aspect of working as the Warden's secretary on Level 2 is the fact I get free biscuits. I don't think I'm meant to stash them though - but you never know when you might miss dinner, and they store in a locker much better than apples do.

I wonder if the new Warden will keep me on as his secretary?

Things have been suprisingly quiet around here lately. It makes me uneasy.